Those are the last words of the chorus of Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace, my chains are gone. Those words resonate with me because unending love is what we all have for my beloved grandmother who passed away Wednesday morning in the comfort of her home, surrounded by her husband of 58 years, 6 children, and sister. My Nanny showed amazing grace throughout her entire life. There wasn't a stranger she met. Over the past few weeks, especially the last few days, our family has heard stories of the kindness my grandmother shared with others and how she impacted others…stories we've never known about or heard.
My grandmother took a turn for the worse last weekend. I saw her a week ago and while she never opened her eyes while we were there, she drank some water and took some ice cream mixed with Glucerna. This was huge! By Sunday, things had drastically changed. Everytime my cell rang, I dreaded it, fearing the worst. On Monday afternoon I went out there again. The hospice nurse said it may be a few days, but no more than a week. When I got to my grandparent's house, my Grandad opened the door and I gave him a huge hug. He then led me down the hallway and opened the door to what was always known as the "room no one was to enter," this was because it was the junk room. Growing up, we'd get pennies and try to unlock the door to get in! When the door was opened, my mom and all her siblings were sitting in a circle looking at pictures from the past. It was such a neat scene. Especially because, the 8 of them, my grandparents, and their 6 kids hadn't slept under the same roof in 40 years and here they were, looking at pictures, taking care of my grandparents, and being there for each other during this extremely emotional time. By Monday evening, my grandmother's breathing had changed for what seemed to be a bit better than Sunday. Of course things changed Tuesday. I spent most of Tuesday out there again, praying by my grandmother's bedside, crying over memories we have of her, laughing at my mom and all her siblings being goofy with each other, and downloading music for a slideshow which will be seen at the visitation and funeral. That night driving home, I don't know if I've ever felt that drained. I know what I felt doesn't compare to what my grandfather, mom, and aunts & uncles are feeling, but no one I've ever been this close to has passed away. I've never watched someone I love struggle to breath, I've never watched someone I love and adore be taken from their home of over 40 years, knowing anytime I ever return, they won't be there anymore. On Wednesday morning, I woke up, let Pasha out, and my phone rang. It was my dad and he was sitting in his car in my driveway. I knew then my wonderful grandmother was gone. I'm so extremely appreciate that my dad came to be with me when I found out. I knew it was coming, was grateful I had seen her the day before, but still, the sadness was overwhelming. I quickly got ready and my dad drove us out to my grandparent's house.
Nothing could have prepared me for that morning. It was unlike any other family member passing away. From standing around her peacefully asleep forever praying the Lord's prayer, opening the door to the funeral director to come in and take her, to the hurst driving away, to my mom and one of my aunts crumbling hysterically into my shoulders, to typing the obituary, learning that her final garment would be the beautiful dress she wore to Mike & my wedding, to listening to my sweet Grandad call all his grandsons asking them to be pall bearers and seeing him breakdown and not be able to talk. And while I couldn't have prepared myself for the heartbreak and emotions I felt that day, I am so extremely thankful for my family. They are always, without question, there for each other.
That Wednesday night when I got home, I thought I was so drained from the past few days that I would sleep better than I had in a long time, that was not the case. I kept thinking of memories from the past. Out of their 15 grandchildren, I am the oldest. I got to have 30 years with my Nanny. I have 30 years worth of memories that I will never forget. From her homemade doughnuts, to mailing us cards for every single holiday with a $2 bill in each card, to her dancing and popping her collar at a girl's night out with her daughters and granddaughters, to the handwritten note she sent me when I made the high school drill team, to her fabulous homemade pralines and popcorn balls, to watching Troop Beverly Hills over and over again while laying in her bed with my cousins….and so many more. I think the memory that means the most to me though is one from just 5 months ago. Her health was declining then, but she was still able to walk on her own and knew for the most part what was going on. It was when we were standing in my parent's kitchen before a family meal. We were standing around praying before our meal, and before the very end of the prayer, I spoke up and said "Please pray for this child I'm carrying." I remember looking at my Nanny and she put her hands over her mouth and started crying. She came straight to me and said "Really??" She was beyond excited to be getting her first great-grandchild. Through the quick decline she faced with Alzheimer's, she remembered about the baby until just 2 weeks ago. That meant the absolute world to me and I know our little Logan has quite the guardian angel looking after him. She was the most generous, caring, loving, amazingly graceful person I've ever known and any one who's ever been around her would feel all those things. The next few days will be hard and final for our huge family, but we all know that she didn't want to live with this disease, instead, she has found peace, her memories are back, and she will be forever looking down on us from Heaven.
pups & kisses,
Tiffany
